he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
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