totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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