Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
