Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
