My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
