I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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