Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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