Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
