can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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