I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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