I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
