Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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