I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
