I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
