Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
