so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
