im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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