I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
