"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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