Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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