i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
