I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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