I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
