She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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