I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
