I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Randomize
