I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
