I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
