In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
