You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Why can't burritos get me drunk
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize