went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
