She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
