Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize