I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
