My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
