I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
