My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
