I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
