Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
