I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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