he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
