I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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