Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
