I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
