if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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