No, drunk sperm still make babies.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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