omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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