Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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