You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
