First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
