I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You left your underwear on the fireplace
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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