Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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