I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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