I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
