just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize