we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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