I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
