Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
