just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
