When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
