Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
