When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
