I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize