I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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