nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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