she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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