just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
