Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
