I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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