Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
