dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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